


Come Alive

by proceduralpassion87



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Burzek, F/M, Miscarriage, tumblr saw it first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:21:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24046558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/proceduralpassion87/pseuds/proceduralpassion87
Summary: Kim and Adam push to move past a most devastating moment in their lives.
Relationships: Kim Burgess/Adam Ruzek
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36





	1. Come Alive I

Walking around her neighborhood, the grass isn’t green anymore. Neither are the trees. The sky is gray instead of its usual bright blue and the sidewalk is as dull and grimy as ever. Kim walks around in circles as she contemplates the past twenty four hours of her life. At the start of it, she was full of life. Outside and in. The growing entity within her was subtle, never once announcing its presence. Sometimes, she even forgot she was even pregnant. It was on her mind at all times but yet it wasn’t.

It was surreal. In half a year’s time, she’d no longer be responsible for herself and herself only. There’d be someone else to answer to and be accountable for. It filled Kim with enormous fear and enormous excitement. She didn’t know the first thing about being someone’s mom and there were thousands of ways to mess that up. Still, she would have someone who she’d cherish forever and love more than life itself. An everlasting love that transcends any other bond she’d ever have.

The trafficking case had been cracked wide open and Intelligence was closing in on the predator who had taken the young woman Kim heard on the 911 call. This was the treacherous figure who’d raised Hell on so many young girls and the very thought of him escaping their clutches filled her with agony. It was a split decision. One that she’d always made when her mind bordered on what to do. The question she’d always ask herself in these instances is “Are you going to regret if you don’t do it?” The answer was almost always yes. So she strapped on her bulletproof vest and prepared for war. She’d been the one to hear the pain and torment this victim’s voice and that was what had stayed with her since the beginning. It was only right that she was the one to save her.

Now, Kim reflects and asks herself “But at what cost?” The girl was safe but as for herself? She was forever broken and one piece would never be found even when she managed to put herself back together again. The moments leading up to arriving at that house and spending the night at the hospital now are relived in blurbs of narrative within her mind. It’s unclear and fuzzy as if she hadn’t lived this out in real time. She can’t remember if she ran any red lights getting to the place. She just barely remembers Hailey and Adam calling out her name and asking whether she was okay or not. Even the doctor saying those fated words rings obscure in her ears.

She wishes she could appreciate all the love and support that’s been thrust her way. Trudy left her those gossipy tabloids on the hospital night stand, the ones they secretly marveled over but only talk trash about in public. Kevin wrapped his hands over hers with warmth and assurance as he vows that whatever she needs will be provided at the drop of the hand; all she has to do is say the word. Adam never once left her side. He takes only seconds to relieve himself in the bathroom or to grab a water from the vending machine before he’s back in her space, giving whatever comfort she’ll allow. It’s beautiful and heartwarming and comforting that she’s surrounded by her makeshift family but it’s too much and will never bring back the blood family member she’s now lost. The one that was gone before it even became.

With her feet up and a blanket wrapped tightly around her, Kim rests after her long walk. She tries to bask in the dead silence before Adam returns from work and begins his attentiveness “schtick.” It’s not a schtick but Kim utterly hoped it was because that would mean it could turn on and off. She desperately needed for it be off so that she could suffer and hopefully, eventually heal on her own. 

The worst part of this all for her was regret. Even when tried her hardest to let her mind wander, it always veered back to the unshakable sense of regret. She’d spent so much time worrying about whether she really wanted to become a mom or not. There were nights where barely any sleep took place because her mind ran ragged as to how life would change if she were to go through with this. It could halt her career, it could ruin her social life, it would surely change her priorities. Even after she decided she wanted to be a parent, she still spent so much time troubled in her mind about how to even begin to prepare for motherhood.

If she had just got out of her own head and let things fall into place like how they were supposed to, she would’ve had more time to relish and enjoy the short time being pregnant. Maybe if she had just allowed herself to be happy, she’d still be pregnant to begin with. The karmic universe could surely be trying to get back at her and all the hesitation and apprehension she breathed into the world. If she hadn’t, maybe she’d still be with child. The fact of the matter is that Kim’s newly discovered dream had been taken away before she even had the chance to truly embrace it and all its elements.

The guilt scraped away at her consciousness but she didn’t want to avoid or circumvent the feelings that were weighing her down. It was the usual strategy she’d go to whenever she wound up hurt. This time though, she wanted to bask in the anguish and allow the aches to stream throughout her body. It was her self-assigned punishment for dragging her feet this whole time.

That night, she’d lock herself in the bathroom after Adam came home. His incessant nurturing became too much shortly after he arrived and she relished in the solitude of a warm bubble bath before bed. Kim dunked her head below the bubbles, holding in both her breath and what remaining sanity she possessed. She wasn’t much for religion or spiritualism but secretly longed for any type of morsel of hope that this wasn’t her fault or that she didn’t deserve this. She’d begun pulling herself into this vicious cycle of blaming herself and thinking the worst thoughts, but behind all that she sought some form of internal comfort or deliverance. She grasped for salvation.

She wondered if submersing herself under the guise of pureness within this water would free her from her demons. If it’s true that she would be reborn and thus have a new slate, wiped clean from self-inflicted blemishes and blots. Pulling herself up from under, she pleads that an ounce of burden is lifted from her chest and she feels even the smallest bit liberated. With a gasp, she breathes in the oxygen that her body coveted and opened her eyes. And when she does, she yearns that this is the official journey of coming back to life. Coming alive.


	2. Come Alive II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team overhears Kim and Adam's hurt locker discussion.

Kim froze in her tracks as her eyes met the sonogram pinned inside of Adam’s locker. There’s only rare moments throughout her day where she forgets that she wasn’t previously pregnant and had subsequently miscarried. One of those moments was happening as she made her way into the locker room. Her thoughts were filled of the mushroom swiss burger she would eat for dinner tonight. It was a weekly tradition of hers to stop by the local diner and grab one before heading home. She hadn’t had one in months so her mouth practically salivated at the prospect.

Then, she walks in and her world comes crashing down yet again. It was hard not to walk on eggshells around him, but she couldn’t help asking.

“Why do you still have that sonogram up, Adam?”

He grimaces. “I don’t know… I just couldn’t get rid of it yet.”

That’s probably a lie, Kim conjectured. I’m sure it’s just his subtle way of getting back at me. Lashing out. His quiet fuck you.

He insisted that he’d take it down if it made Kim more comfortable, but she let it be. If this was his way of coping, she’d leave it alone.

She makes her way to scurry out the room but Adam wants to do this now.

“I don’t know if we’re in the same place with all this. We haven’t had a chance to talk.” He definitely wants to do this now. Just take the beating, Kim. Let him have this.

She took a couple of deep breaths and closed the door. She continues to prepare herself for the incoming verbal slaughter and wills herself not to cry while doing so.

“Y-you jus- just go ahead and you say what you’re going to say and you get it off your chest.” She perches on the nearby table and clutches it between her hands until her knuckles go white. She flinches for a second when Adam first opens his mouth. It takes him a few seconds for words to come out in the face of confusion. He wasn’t prepared to have this conversation now and he wasn’t exactly sure what she was obviously expectant on hearing.

“What am I meant to get off my chest?” He queries. He has an inkling but he hoped to God he was wrong. As if his heart wasn’t already shattered, this would break him even more.

“Your feelings, your anger.” She says it so matter-of-factly and it silently confirms his dread. Still, he plays along, hoping for the slightest hint that he’s erroneous.

“What do you mean?” His arms shift awkwardly, not knowing what to do. His love has been silently suffering this whole time, while also wearing the blame and living with the false truth that he’s angry at her.

“Adam, I can tell. I can feel it. You blame me losing the baby.”

There’s not even the slightest hint of humor or deception to her voice and stature. I mean, why would there be? This is a serious matter, but he’d certainly take that over the unfortunate truth that lies between them.

Adam wordlessly curses himself for giving off any unintentional message of blaming her, while Kim is confused and a tad bit angry that he was playing dumb right now. It was so obvious to her. The way he stared deeply at every move she took, but swiftly looked away when she turned to him. The conviction in which he spoke as he told her to take all the time off from work that she needed. Yeah, he was really sweet to not want to throw it up in her face, but she just knew that all he wanted to do was to scream in her face and call her the evil and dumb bitch she was for ruining their future.

“I don’t blame you. What are you talking about?!” The elevated shift in his voice can’t be helped. He wasn’t mad at her and didn’t hold her responsible for anything.

Outside in the bull pen, Vanessa is briefly put on hold while tracking down intel for their current case. She just barely registers a man’s voice. Adam’s voice, she surmises. She can tell there’s some type of passionate conversation going on within the confines of the locker room and she remembers last seeing Kim head there.

Kim listed all the reasons why Adam was supposed to be upset with her and none of them made sense. The two had met as cops. He knew how hard she had worked to get to where she is now. He knew the passion and drive she had for her job. She was a fierce protector for those who needed it and that didn’t magically erase itself once she discovered a new life was brewing within her. He understood without it needing to be said.

“… You saved a kid’s life.” Adam argued. I mean, you’d think preventing a helpless girl from being trafficked was a good enough reason to not be so hard on one’s self.

“Yeah, but I could’ve waited three minutes.”

“No, you couldn’t have. That man would’ve have beat that girl to death if you waited outside.” I mean, he understood. He truly understood. She still wasn’t getting it. “Kim! You were doing your job. You’re a cop, you were at a sce-”

“I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE SCENE! I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE MOTEL! I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO LOSE THE BABY!”

Time froze still in the bull pen as Kim’s voice bounced off the walls and seeped its way through. Her words cut through the air with the sharpest of agonies. Vanessa closed her eyes upon hearing those words of angst and guilt. Jay and Hailey’s eyes couldn’t quite meet each other as they listened to the words being spat. It wasn’t intentional, of course, there was nothing else to hear. The room went from dead quiet to the booming of their friend’s voice as she voiced her torment. Voight sat in his office, sighing to himself and wishing his officers weren’t going through such an ordeal. He knew just how painful a miscarriage was and it still remains one of the greatest pains for him. At least his unborn child had her mother and brother with her now.

“DON’T YOU GET THAT?! I DON’T WANT PITY AND I DON’T WANT SUPPORT!”

Jay looks at the case file in front of him and pretends he’s reading it. In reality, he’s sulking in his seat for his friends. He wishes there was something he could do for them, but he knows there isn’t. There’s no tool that could make him go back in time and fix things before life goes all to hell for them. There’s no words he can speak that will restore their spirits. He had never gone through such an affair and so he had no advice to offer.

Hailey sighs and sinks awkwardly into her chair. She hated that she and her colleagues could hear what was not supposed to be revealed to them. She grew to know Kim enough over the years to know that she was someone who liked to process things alone. I’m sure it would be mortifying right about now to know her intimate feelings were now beknown to her peers.

“I WANT YOU TO BE ANGRY, AS ANGRY AT ME AS I AM!”

“I can’t do that.”

Under normal circumstances, they wouldn’t be able to hear Adam’s last whisper, but a pin could drop in the large space and it would be heard loud and clear.

Kim walks out first and immediately retreats to her desk, making eye contact with no one. Adam walks out a few moments after and keeps his head down when his attention isn’t directed at Kim. As Kevin walks up the steps, he notices the brief encounter between the two. The closed off stance in how Kim’s back was turned from him and how Adam only peels his eyes off of her to avoid colliding with his desk is noted in the back of Atwater’s mind and he reminds himself to check on his best friends when the right moment arrived.

At this point, Voight has ambled out of his desk and he too, observes the actions of his two officers and examines their moods. Adam’s worry is nothing but obvious as his eyes scan Burgess every few seconds. The female officer is doing her best to focus her attention elsewhere other than the anger and guilt that boiled beneath her.

Desperate to shift the awkward and concerning air of the room, Rojas hangs up the phone and presents her intel to the team and puts everyone back in work mode. A series of fatal overdoses was plaguing the adolescent inhabitants of the Windy City and it was their current task to track down where the counterfeit heroin was coming from. Lives were on the line, including the one that belongs- belonged- to Sean Roman’s younger sister.

Later on, Kevin thinks better of stepping to Kim in the midst of the chaos surrounding her and Adam. The last thing he wanted was to make matters worse and he too had no useful words to give to make this hardship melt just a little. Instead, he sits next to Adam at Sarah Roman’s funeral and lands a restful eye on him every so often. The silent pats on the back and nodding of the head from Kevin brings his partner and pal solace, but Adam only wishes he could transfer some of that to his ex-fiancée.

The rest of the team don’t dare to acknowledge the painful words spoken from the two. Not even Voight. Everyone was worried for them, especially for Kim. However, this was a delicate and private matter that no one could save them from. Whatever healing and care that needed to be done to mend their hearts could only be done by the ones affected.

Kim walks out the church by her lonesome, filled with overwhelming thoughts about her both her ex-partner and her recent trauma. She walks away somewhat lighter than she did this morning or even yesterday, but still silently agonizing. Adam watches at the top step, troubled for both himself and her.

Their shared misery had been thrust out in the open, bare for everyone to see. They could only hope to pick up the pieces of themselves with as much support and as less scrutiny as they were allowed.


	3. Come Alive III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kim and Adam discuss what could've been.

Molly's tonight was a bit more quieter than usual, with less than a dozen patrons socializing within the bar. Kim sat right near the door, while toying around with the beer bottle in front of her. The intelligence team had finally closed a month long case so she decided to unwind a bit before going home. She appreciated the relative calmness of the pub, taking her time to consume the Budweiser and allowing whatever thoughts entered her head to stay.

Right now, her mind was wrapped around what she'd be doing right now if she were still pregnant. The only thing she'd had the chance the buy for the baby were the prenatal vitamins she consumed each day. The day she arrived home from the hospital, she entered her usual routine of popping one in and chasing it with a few swallows of water. It wasn't until the pill washed down her throat that she realized it was no longer necessary. She'd thrown the bottle in the trash, relinquishing any sign that she was ever pregnant from her apartment.

A wave of air hits Kim's face as the door opens and Adam appears. He swipes his eyes around the bar a few times before they meet hers. She gives a small smile and nods her head at him. She drops her head down, not wanting to pressure him into sitting with her. Still, he makes a gesture at Herrmann for a beer before sitting across from her. He returns the smile to her, his wider, as he holds his hands out for the two beers that Herrmann presents.

Adam slides one to her before taking several gulps out of the one he keeps for himself.

"What's on your mind?" He almost immediately notices the heavy expression on her face. She's obviously deep in thought and his senses are on high alert given recent events.

"Nothing, just thinking..." She remembered their last bicker about her forgetting to tell him about her next appointment and smiles to herself about what else they'd surely bicker about during their journey into parenthood.

"Boy would we have had a field day trying to pick out a name for him or her." Kim quips. Adam returns the beam, although hints of sorrow are etched on both their faces.

"I, uh, I was actually thinking about Robin. It's unisex, so for a boy and a girl."

"That's nice." Kim acknowledges. It was simple and flowed well, she thought. Robin Ruzek.

"Maybe Alvin or Alvina for a middle name..." At this, Kim elicits bursts of amusement before catching herself. Other frequenters look at her for a moment before her loud outbursts sinks into quiet fits of laughter. It was sweet, the thought. To memorialize their mentor and dear friend, but "Alvina" would surely get their daughter beat up on the playground. Adam had joined in on the laughter before taking another swallow of beer.

"What, you got better?" He challenged.

Kim clears her throat before confessing her ideas. "I hadn't really thought much about names, but I knew if it was a girl, I'd want her to have my sister's name, Nicole, as a middle name. I thought about the initial K because it's both my initial and Kev's." She mentions their best friend who'd they already silently agreed would have been the child's godfather.

"Yeah.. Nicole means victory." Adam remembers when his ex-fiancée told him the meaning of her name. Suddenly, the idea of naming his future child the same name as his ex AND the almost sister-in-law that didn't even like him was not as alluring.

He changes the subject to a topic that he had never had the opportunity to bring up before things all went to shit.

"So, uh... I never got to bring up the idea, but I was already kinda looking at new places to live before you got pregnant." Kim raises an eyebrow at the mention of living arrangements. Adam catches on quick. "I know you weren't really interested the first time I brought it up, but think about it.. A baby wakes up every couple of hours and things definitely would've been tough when we returned to work, so I started looking at places for all three of us..."

He pauses in a moment of thoughtfulness. "Obviously, that's over, but I just thought about us living together like the little unconventional family we are. How cool it'd be to decorate the nursery together. You used to always love watching those interior design shows when we were together." Kim chuckles at his reminder. She still did love to unwind with a glass of wine and a "Fixer Upper" marathon. Decorating the nursery would've been a dream.

"I would've wanted a painter to draw something really beautiful like bright stars in a dark blue sky or a safari theme with a big mural of animals." She reflects. Her rising excitement is tenderly pushed down by remembering that this is a now canceled vision, at least for now.

"Yeah, and maybe one of those cool, vintage mobiles that hang above the crib. Do they even still make those?," Adam questions. They both grin while continuing to bounce off ideas at each other on what could've been.

Maybe a month ago when this all happened, they couldn't have possibly discussed such matters coherently. It still stung to talk about what happened, but things had gotten better for both day by day. Kim felt less and less of her guilt weighing on her chest as each day passed and she was slowly returning to the person she was before the miscarriage. Adam still had his moments of frustration, sure, but he had learned to let his hurt go and keep in mind that things happen for a reason. It would be a wound that would never completely heal, but there was something to therapeutic and uplifting that they could come together and talk about it without feeling as if their world was crashing down.

They left each other after another round of beers and bid each other goodbye with a warm, comforting hug that they both needed.

Nothing could ever remove the frustrating and empty sensation of what might've been had things gone their way, but they were closing in on a path that would only lead to healing themselves and healing each other.


	4. Come Alive IV

Trigger warning: mentions of miscarriage

"Heard you got into a fender bender." Trudy Platt's voice stops Adam in his tracks. He was making his way up to the bullpen but found himself reversing his steps and rerouting to the desk sergeant's post in the middle of the precinct.

"Kinda." The Intelligence officer wasn't much for words these days but subconsciously found himself seeking comfort from his superior officer and friend. The gray-haired woman had opened her mouth to start a wise crack but thought better of it. Her officer had been more emotionally distant since his and Kim's misfortune. Trudy hadn't really known what to say, so she kept her distance but still maintaining a strong presence so that they both knew they could come to her if needed. Looking into the dark and sullen eyes before her, she cursed herself for not taking action and prying for him to open up.

There were bags under his eyes and his appearance had suffered over the past few weeks. He'd always been a rugged guy but this was more. Something was off with his spirit and it was as if the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders.

"Com'ere." She nods to the nearby hallway and leads him to the vending machine. She gets a couple of dollars from inside her pocket and hits a few buttons. Adam looks around, confused, but takes the candy bar nonetheless.

"Well, go on." Platt has already opened her Snickers and has taken a big bite out of it. He looks down at it after opening it, examining whether it's been poisoned. "Chocolate's supposed to release endorphins or something." She explains while egging him on.

Ultimately, he digs into the Snickers too. Silence surrounds the space between them. It's somewhat awkward for Adam and he thinks twice about going on about his business.

After they finish is when she speaks. "Feel better?"

"I guess." He kinda did.

"Good. Listen, you've been a rock for Kim. I know you have because she told me. But something tells me you haven't had anyone to talk to since everything happened." Adam stiffens but listens to what she has to say. It's true, he hadn't really confided in anyone. However, it was Kim who suffered the loss more wholly. She had to experience not only the emotional but physical pain on top of it all. He'd been struggling, but it didn't feel right looking for comfort as she was still reeling.

"Come over to my house for dinner tomorrow night. Randall's making spaghetti." Adam knew better than to think of that as a request rather than an order.

And so he joins her for dinner, as agreed. Mouch is out at Molly's for the evening so it's just the two of them. Quiet dominates the first half of dinner before Trudy opens her mouth.

"So. This is a safe space.. Or whatever the kids call it. ....How have you been doing?" She presses.

Adam isn't so forthcoming at first. "As good as I can be, I guess. It's been a month. I feel like things are going back to normal."

"Hmm." Trudy reaches for a piece of garlic bread from the platter between them. "How have you really been doing, Adam?"

Her eyes are locked onto his and she won't let him release from her gaze. The common pre-thought answer he gave just simply wouldn't cut it. He sighs, knowing nothing could get past the steel instinct of the desk sergeant.

"It sucks. I mean, I feel better every day, honestly. But it still sucks."

"And you haven't talked with anyone about it?"

"Not really. I don't want to talk about it with Kim because she's doing great, she's almost back to her normal self. I don't want to tear all that down because I'm still processing everything."

"Well, you haven't had the chance to process it because you've been so worried about Kim. I get it, but this is still a loss for you too, Adam."

"I just.. I was excited, you know..." The raw emotion in those words and in his voice tugged at Trudy and she grabs his hand as a gesture of consolation. It melts her heart to think of his elation being cut short in an instant. She allows him to pour out every thought and feeling that he'd kept locked down within himself for all this time.

"Just the other day, we were at Molly's talking about baby names and nurseries and it took everything in me not to break down because she finally seems at peace."

"It's like 90% of me has moved on and is doing better, but then I see the ultrasound in my locker and the 10% just pops up and knocks me down."

"I've come to terms with it, really, but I don't get why it still hurts so damn much."

It's Adam's floor to say any and everything he wants to. Trudy doesn't say a word. Even if she felt the need to, there were no words that could permanently heal his emotional scars. She lets him be and eats and drinks silently. By the time dinner's over, he's exhausted himself of words to speak and he leaves feeling lighter than when he walked in. They have pound cake for dessert and watch a quarter of the ongoing hockey game and bond.

She hadn't planned for this affair to be anything other than giving her officer a place to vent and release the everyday stresses of life. When she walks him to the front door and closes it, she smiles softly to herself, confident that her mission was accomplished.

Sometimes, the best help is not taking action or butting in. As officers of the law, this is second nature at their cores. But, all he needed tonight was the chance to air his thoughts. No fixing the issue. Or being told how to get over. Just a chance to be given a piece of mind.


	5. Come Alive V

Trigger warning: mentions of miscarriage

Banana bread used to be a staple in Kim's breakfast. Nearly every day, she had a slice with a cup of coffee before heading to work. The bakery down the street knew her by name and always had her order ready for her at the beginning of the week, one loaf of banana bread with Fruity Pebbles cereal sprinkled on top as a sweet crust. She thought yesterday was a fluke when she threw the contents of her breakfast up. Maybe the stomach flu was going around the precinct. Or food poisoning. Hell, maybe it was the bread. Today, though, she had started on a new batch. An unsliced loaf sat on the kitchen counter and the mere odor sent Kim reeling.

She raced to the bathroom, just barely making it. Ironically, the brunette felt like a new woman by the time she lifted her head back up. She ran her fingers through her hair as an extra precaution to make sure no vomit hit her tendrils. She takes a step over in front of the mirror to finish adjusting her appearance when her eyes hit the unopened package of tampons on her side of the vanity.

"Oh, fuck."

Her hand touches the plastic covering of the package, hoping that her eyes are playing tricks on her and the bag is indeed open. The seams of the plastic remain fastened together with no tearing found. Her own thoughts confirm her fear when she realizes that she'd been feeling unusual tenderness in her breasts these past few days as well; it was a distinct discomfort she remembered from her last pregnancy. There were no pregnancy tests in her apartment right now, but she didn't even need to take one. She knew in her bones that she was currently in her second pregnancy of the year. And oh, what a year it had been. She was neither married nor promoted to detective the first time around.

She glances at the band that sits upon the ring finger of her left hand and takes another look at herself through the mirror. This was really happening.

"Kim, I got the car running and it's hot. Let's get rolling." Adam hurries through the apartment grabbing his jacket, gloves, and duffel bag. December had cycled its way through, bringing a merciless cold front along with it.

Without a word, Kim walks out to the car and settles into the front seat, rubbing her hands together to gather as much warmth as possible. She thinks ahead to lunch time and wonders whether she can slip away to get the pregnancy test. Right now, she's numb to her emotions. She doesn't feel anything but impatience, cursing at how many hours it would be until the afternoon finally arrived. Once she got the results of the test back, then she'd probably break down the door that's housing all her overwhelming sensations and thoughts. Until then, she closed her eyes, calmed her breathing, and rested her mind on literally anything but the potential life growing inside her.

At a stop light, Adam grabs her hand and places a firm kiss on the back of it.

"3 months."

Kim chuckles at the comment, not quite believing that they'd already been married for three months. After everything that happened at the beginning of the year, you'd think the door would have shut on them being together again completely. For a short time it was, but the way in which they both acted as a rock for the other to lean on had only drawn them closer.

They got back to their weekly dinners where they'd share what was going on in their lives, much like how they'd have their weekly dates and discuss the happenings in their respective posts while engaged. It seemed like they spent nearly every weekend together whether it was going to hockey games or spending time with Ruzek's sister and nephew. Even at work, Adam made it a point to bring coffee to Kim or pass her some crackers from the vending machine.

That old spark didn't just revitalize itself after one instance, but rather, it gradually rose to a full out flame. There was a never ending comfort that existed only when they were around each other. A peacefulness that was invincible against all the white noise of life's inconveniences.

One night, after a three hour Titanic, they stir from their lazed spots on the couch and notice the position of their bodies. Tangled and lost in one another. They look into each other's eyes and come to an unspoken agreement. This was it. What was the point in wasting more time or walking around without being at their ultimate ceiling for happiness? They loved each other, there was no doubt about that. No matter what happened or who they got with, this would always be true. Spending so much time together in recent months, though, had unlocked why the two fell in love with each other in the first place.

The way Kim giggled endlessly while watching her favorite sitcom, even if she'd already watched the episode a dozen times. The way Adam kept a secret stash of Cracker Jacks in his desk, just for her. The way Kim that really listened when Adam spoke, even to the things he wasn't saying with his mouth. The way Adam was the first person who reciprocated all the love she gave. Nothing else made sense. And so they reunited that night. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. From that day forward, they dedicated themselves to being the best version of who they were, for them first and to each other next.

So here they were, married and the happiest either had been in a long time. What came from darkness sprouted into the light. A glowing bubble surrounded them and nothing could pop it.

That is, until the two lines appear on the fated stick and Kim surrenders her lunch to the toilet. Just like she knew they would, the flurry of emotions barge their way through and she doesn't even know what to feel first. Annoyance that this happens right after she's promoted to detective? Beads of excitement at the prospect of becoming responsible for another's life? This is what she desperately wants to allow herself to feel because it's right there at the surface. She wishes she could just be in heavenly felicity like she really wants to be. But paralyzing fear pushes everything else out the way and it, of course, doesn't go unnoticed by her husband.

He doesn't care that they're supposed to be only colleagues right now and not spouses. He couldn't give a shit about their stupid rule of no "married" talk while at work and no "shop" talk at home. His wife was on edge for half the day and she'd turned a different shade of pale since returning to her desk. Kim doesn't underestimate the gravity in his face and immediately gets up after he nods to the stairs. She wants to bitch about him choosing outside in the parking lot to have their heart-to-heart, but she'd rather just spill it out so she could hurry back inside.

"I'm pregnant."

"W-... uh... okay." Adam's mind scrambled trying to think of the right thing to say in the moment but nothing came. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, something he would often do to clear his mind. He allowed himself a moment of clarity and accept his new normal.

"Well, are you okay?" He somewhat chuckles as he asks the question as it begins to set in that he's about to be a father.

"I mean, I don't know.." At this, Adam's snickers come to a halt.

"What do you mean 'you don't know'?! Is the baby alright??"

"No!, Ugh, I mean.. I don't know! I literally don't know Adam!"

"W-well then what's the problem? God, you had this look on your face like someone had a gun to your head." Adam figured she wouldn't be jumping for joy given the circumstances of last time. However, she had a look of utter and definite fear on her face that inadvertently signaled something way worse for him. Her silence revives his anguish and he's desperate to know the inner workings of the cogs churning in her head.

"W-wha- Do you not want to continue the pregnancy? You're not ready?"

"No, that's just it! I am!" At this, Adam frowns. Not because it wasn't an answer he didn't want to hear, but because it was all the more confusing as to why Kim was acting the way she was.

"I want this, Adam!" She repeats it, but she didn't need to. The passion and strain in her voice confirms it for her husband. It's just that he's still confused. He could see that she wanted it. There was a smile on her face breaking its way through the nerves and the stress. He could see the determination and tenacity on her features. But her anxiety and worries began to chip away at her happiness. It's like she couldn't allow herself to be joyful.

"I'm just- What if it happens again? What if this isn't meant for us? What if we can never..?" With each word, her voice cracks as if her worst nightmare is coming true. When her words become indecipherable, Adam pulls her into his arms and allows her a few moments to feel her fears. But only a few moments. When they pass, he pushes her away with his arms and stands her up straight, face to face.

"Listen to me, nothing's gonna happen. Anything we want is what's meant for us. And we both want this. I know you're scared, baby. But just because it happened last time doesn't mean it will again. We're having a baby!" Of course, Adam knew he couldn't completely guarantee things would go the way they want them to any more than he could guarantee both their safe arrivals home with the job that they do. Still, he didn't want her going around the entire pregnancy fearing the worst and allowing it to stunt her. After the long road it took to get here, they deserved this. Adam's words were the magical key that unlocked her joy and chipped away at some of her fear. Happiness was in their palms and there was nothing that could take that away from them.

He picks Kim up and spins her in his arms and they celebrate together right there in the precinct parking lot. Through hushed screams and uncontrollable giggles, they proclaim their happiness to the sky.

**Author's Note:**

> This was more Kim centric but there are also one-shots (that can be read together or separately) which focus on Burzek or are simply Adam centric as well.


End file.
